I Hate Rocky Road! (A Fairy Tale)

My favorite ice cream store started a contest to eliminate flavors one by one. By November, one flavor will be declared the “winner”, and that’s the only flavor we’ll have for four years.

My favorite freezer is on the right-hand side of the store. On the left sits a decrepit old freezer; its offerings tempt young customers and those with “special interests”; usually they are too expensive or unappetizing to me.

Several of the original flavors on the right would have been acceptable to me. Vanilla, French Vanilla, Old-Fashioned Vanilla and even Rum Raisin. Pistachio Almond — a little nutty and too green for my taste. From the beginning, Heath Bar Crunch was my favorite.

Every customer was given a vote. I knew right away that the one flavor on the right I could never bear was Rocky Road. It’s too rich, too slimy; even a small sample leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. Marshmallows absolutely make me gag. I vowed never to vote for Rocky Road.

When my turn came, I voted for Dulce de Leche, not because I thought it best but because I thought it had broader appeal and could beat whatever disagreeable flavor would emerge from the left freezer. But Dulce de Leche hit the exit early.

Ultimately, the contest came down to five total flavors. To my surprise, my favorite (Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!) was still in the running, up against the despised Rocky Road and an old half-pint of Neapolitan that, frankly, the cleaning folks neglected to throw out.

This morning I went to the shop. Rocky Road is the only choice in the freezer on the right. Right now, I’m feeling confused, angry, and betrayed. Why can’t everyone see that HB Crunch is, was, and always will be the One True Ice Cream Flavor? #NeverRockyRoad!

Hoping there to be palatable alternatives in the freezer on the left, I looked for the first time at those two flavors:

  1. From Vermont, Ben & Jerry’s Wavy Gravy: nutty, expensive, and way too pink for my taste.
  2. Hilderberry, also pink and almost certainly tainted (with listeria; target of an FDA probe that will probably never see the light of day).

While Wavy Gravy is giving favorite Hilderberry a run for her its money, all the customers expect the ultimate choice to be between Rocky Road and Hilderberry.

My G_d, what did I do to deserve the choice between a flavor I hate and one that has a good chance of killing me?

Fortunately, I have until November to make a final decision.

Cross-posted with trepidation.

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